The Incredibly Impressive Résumé of a Well-Adjusted Adult
This would do numbers on LinkedIn.
I don’t know if you’ve taken a look around lately, but there are many impressive adults here on Substack. Published authors, accomplished artists, people who don’t eat meat, ultramarathoners with long beards and no toenails, poets and people who are happily married to poets. Really, it’s quite intimidating to tread the hallowed halls of this platform as a 31-year-old woman in Ohio who is trying her best to read and return a singular library book before it becomes overdue.
In that spirit, I thought it was time to finally step up my game and step out of the Substack shadows. Enough is enough! I am tired of gatekeeping my accomplishments and withholding my success secrets. It’s time to finally share with my legion of fans and followers how I became a Well-Adjusted Adult. It’s a position that required a lot of résumé polishing, but thanks to my top-notch career coaches1, I was pleased to be accepted into the role and look forward to a bright future.
To: Substack
From: Grace Leuenberger
Subject: Resume_WellAdjustedAdult.pdf
GRACE LEUENBERGER
Kent, Ohio • Email I Use for Coupons • LinkedIn Profile I Feel Obligated to Keep • Phone that I won’t answer if you call because I don’t recognize your number: (123) 456-7890
Objective
With 31 years of experience, I would bring a hopeful attitude to the role of Well-Adjusted Adult. I look forward to the possibilities of this position (vocational clarity, increased wisdom, children to care for me as I age, etc.) and enthusiastically present my qualifications below.
Education
Kids of the Kingdom and First Nursery Preschool | Ages 3-5 | 1997-1999
Exhibited proficiency for snack consumption and singing songs about Jesus.
Introduced to the concepts of sharing and caring; adopted these practices when they served my purposes.
Sheridan, Luther Low, and Oakview Elementary Schools | Grades K-6 | 1999 to 2006
Demonstrated propensity for growth (~20 inches in 6 years), an uncontrollable genetic trait I once resented but have come to accept as it allows me to reach all manner of shelves, luggage compartments, etc.
Developed a sense of humor, endearing me to peers, elders, and older brothers whose favor I wanted to earn, a skill I still employ for deflection and protection in vulnerable and/or tense situations.
Mercer Area Junior/Senior High School | Grades 7-12 | 2006 to 2012
Survived high-stakes situations including but not limited to: 8th-grade Spanish “Fiesta Days”; co-ed gym class dodgeball tournaments; Junior Prom; and marching band away-game bus rides.
Displayed aptitude for writing, exhibiting an enduring ability to exceed assigned word count across a variety of mediums including essays, emails, text messages, Instagram captions, and tweets.
Established honest line of communication with parental unit, persevered by God’s mercy through learner’s permit hours, summer SAT prep class, and a variety of existential crises.
Grove City College | B.A. in Communication Studies | 2012 to 2016
Passed required pre-calculus, statistics, and chemistry classes without succumbing to despair.
Expanded knowledge of how little knowledge I actually possess.
Experienced crippling weight of self-imposed expectations, which threatened to rob me of all joy.
Observed a mysterious freedom exhibited by certain adults who spoke of things like “grace,” “mercy,” and the merits of “just chilling the heck out a bit.”
Uncovered new relational perks deriving from the opportunity to love others and be loved just as I am.
Experience
Home of Family Whose Last Name I’ve Forgotten | Mason’s Babysitter | Summer of 2010
Confirmed that children are hard to take care of and screen time is God’s grace.
Overhauled strategic plan to not marry by age 22 or procreate by age 23.
Enhanced the practice of gratitude towards parental unit who raised four children to become Well-Adjusted Adults2.
Places I’ve Done the Jobs I’ve Had After College | Young Professional | May 2016 to Present
Exceeded expectations for how quickly parental unit would be contacted regarding vocational errors, streamlining the tearful process from a two-month turnaround to an efficient two days.
Survived resigning from three jobs, discovering that the discernment of Career Stuff™ is Pretty Freaking Hard™.
Verified that many Well-Adjusted Adults are also insecure and need encouragement too.
Everywhere Else That I Didn’t Work | Young Adult, Less Professional | May 2016 to Present
Navigated a series of disconcerting events such as the 2016 Presidential Election, the death of childhood dog, the move to a city with no friends, the raising of a puppy, the acquisition of health insurance, the 2020 Presidential Election, COVID-19, the series finale of The Good Place, giving Hinge a try, and the 2024 Presidential Election.
Completed two (2) marathons* (*vomited and cried on finish line volunteer in marathon #1).
Partnered with older and wiser mentors to learn something from an ancient text called “The Bible.”
Collaborated with family, friends, and the Holy Spirit on quest to live The Good Life.
Awards and Honors
1st place, Distance Softball Toss • Field Day, 2005 • Oakview Elementary School
Named “Best Dog Mom” nine years running • 2016-2025 • Tess Leuenberger, Golden Retriever
Internally Awarded Gold Star for Entering Target and Resisting Impulse Buys for 4 months straight • April 21, 2025 • Kent-Stow Target
Skills
Submitting taxes without being imprisoned ★★★★★
Recalling mom’s phone number from memory ★★★★★
Knowing which lightbulb to buy ★★☆☆☆
Baking cookies ★★★★☆
Saying “I love you” to people I love without cringing ★★★★☆
Summary
With all this life experience, it seems clear that whatever I have accomplished, acquired, demonstrated, developed, experienced, established, gained, and gleaned is because of the love of others who have gone behind me and before me and that I am ready as I will ever be to step into the position of Well-Adjusted Adult. As relevant parties consider me for this role, I remain hopeful for the future, where all manners of things shall be made well-adjusted.
P.S. I hope you enjoyed this more humorous piece. A version of this resume first appeared in the Success & Failure issue of The Mockingbird magazine.
God, my parents, Dr. Hugh Collin Messer, Mandy and Courtney from Grove City College Career Services, etc.
Child 4 (applicant and author) pending review.
From one millennial to another, this was a delight to read. I’m hoping to add “independently negotiated the purchase of new car” to my list sometime soon 😂👀
I’ve never felt so seen. Bless you.