Oh yeah! Every single word. See me in some specific way but actually please do not perceive me at all. I’d like to crawl into a safe little corner but also I desperately want to be known and loved…but still please do not perceive me. Thanks for finding words for this!
I 100% resonate with this comment, too, Amelia! The balance between wanting to be known and loved while also taking the leap to be vulnerable enough to engage in that process is sooo challenging. Appreciate you reading!
Every time I read something you write, I think "it can't get much better than this." And then you go ahead and decimate that thought. You are so remarkably cogent, articulate, relatable, and wise. I love seeing your substack articles in my inbox.
I've got multiple drafts titled something along the lines of "I'm afraid of being perceived." The human condition sure is common to man! Thank you for sharing.
Absolutely! Thank you for reading. I hope you'll finish one of those drafts, as I think there's much more to be explored on the fear of being perceived. I'd love to know what you think!
Yeah, as I open myself to writing publicly here on Substack, my initial thoughts have produced a couple of essays asking the question, why do it? The most recent one arrived at similar conclusions as you do—We were created with divine intent for goodness. We are invited to create and to be that goodness. And while people may recognize us for our works (smart writing, or whatever tote bag), it is humility that saves us from pride/insecurity. The open acknowledgment that whatever good we might create isn’t ours originally. At best we are blessed to channel it from Him. And this is true for anyone we might compare ourselves to.
Believing this though, I still struggle with the fear of being stupid. I suspect as you do, that this is a trial aimed at really knowing this is true by experience—that our aim should be in pleasing God, not anyone on earth. If we do that, respect or acceptance from others should be received as a gift, not as something needed or owed.
Thoughtful comment, Alec! Writing publicly is definitely a risk, and opens up the heart and ego to an onslaught of emotions and experiences. I think it's a challenge to balance our human hopes and our holy ambitions.
“the struggle of constantly feeling like I wasn’t measuring up, or that I could be doing more, or that I needed to squeeze every ounce of my potential out of myself.”
“Wasted potential” is a phrase that I want to just kick to the curb lately. This was well-written, Grace, and encouraging. I’ve been thinking much of the unconditional love of God from a different identity standard (competent or self-sufficient vs dependent). And of course, I am terrified of sounding stupid as I write about it. I think you’re writing about a topic that we all experience in certain ways. Thank you for sharing. (I’d be happy to join you for a Finer Things Club meeting one day.)
Wasted potential..oof! It's such a doozy. I still need to think more thoughtfully about where that impulse comes from. It ruins a lot!
I am glad to know I'm not alone in these thoughts, Leah, so thanks for sharing some encouragement through this comment. And ABSOLUTELY, a Finer Things Club would be thoroughly enjoyed!
Potential is nebulous, never concrete…compared to, say, duty and vocation, which are given, defined, and blessed by God. Finding purpose in the latter is going to lead to a greater sense of satisfaction.
My theories, at least. Would love to hear your thoughts on our potential and its wasting, if you ever put them down!
Oh I love how you put that and are thinking about that in conjunction with calling—I think that's spot on. And I did write something about this about 3 years ago and I still think I agree with much of what I said! https://mbird.com/social-science/business/quiet-quitting-for-jesus/
Thank you so much for sharing that piece. I can relate! And I, too, associate the root of the idea with academics, especially in my transition into college.
“I don’t think God has a cosmic bucket list with my name at the top. I think he really just wants me to experience what it means to be content with Christ. To be attentive to the life I actually am experiencing right now instead of fixating on the ideas of what could’ve been or was or could be.”
Love the intersectionality you make in this post between Christian theology and 12-step spirituality. As someone who has feet in both camps, I’m inspired by the integration and synthesis that can be found here, provided we are honest, open-minded, and willing to look.
As for the content about “feeling stupid or inadequate…” I know those sentiments all too well. In the rooms I often hear, “we are ego-maniacs with an inferiority complex.” The task of surrender to God’s will is a day at a time, moment by moment adventure!
Thanks for this excellent comment, Anthony! I totally agree with you about the wisdom that can be found in 12-step spirituality. My (Anglican) priest in college often cited it in his sermons, and it's stuck with me ever since. And you're spot on with this sentiment: "The task of surrender to God’s will is a day at a time, moment by moment adventure!"
"In all honesty, my desire for approval and admiration feels like an addiction I’ll never be rid of." Phew. Yeah. This is so real. All I can say is, speaking to you, someone just entering your 30s, as a 39 year old stepping out of them, I found that this decade was the flash point for this particular struggle. I have been where you are and I fall back there often. But my perspective slowly began to change and I feel on the precipice of settling more solidly into myself, lack of impressive accomplishments and public admiration and all. I hope that your journey through your 30s will bring you a similar place.
Caitlin! Thank you for reading and this comment. I’m so grateful for your perspective here as you settled into this decade of life. It’s so good to hear about settling into yourself; I feel that process beginning and I suppose it starts with admitting the struggle and inviting others in to it. We’re always better when we have others alongside us in the journey ♥️
Grace, thanks for your post and your honesty which I really aspire to (however, rightfully, edited for Substack readers). I hope I can be as open as you have been here as I write on my own Substack (I have my own battles).
If I may be so bold as to say, God does love us but He’s no therapist. You are being formed by the Spirit, as am I.
Hi Andy, thanks so much for reading! Spiritual formation is certainly a humbling process, and having a spiritual director has been interesting for me as I've also had experience working with a traditional licensed therapist, too, in the past. Both are helpful tools for working out the kinks and learning more about God's intent to lead us towards lives of flourishing. It's always a work in progress! Thankfully, God is patient with it.
I’ve had counselling (I also considered becoming a counsellor) and I’m receiving spiritual direction (I’m a spiritual director). Could I ask, broadly speaking, what has been interesting about spiritual direction for you? You seem to have overcome or are overcoming some of your own battles and have written this article, which I resonate with.
Good question, Andy! Well to start, spiritual direction has felt different than counseling in terms of the reflection and creativity it engages; it feels like it taps into all the different approaches to connection with God and not just discussion or standard prayer. I’ve known my spiritual director since I was 19, so that makes a huge difference, too, as we’ve been able to revisit different memories or experiences in the past to understand God in the present. I have enjoyed the reflective nature of spiritual direction a lot and enjoy the space it makes to pause and sit with ideas at a slower pace.
So good to know we're not alone in our complicated thoughts and insecurities! It makes them feel a little more manageable when we know others struggle with them, too. And I went to Grove City College—learned so much and made lovely, lifelong friends...but it could be a challenging experience at times, given the highly competitive environment. I appreciate your comment, Alyssa!
Oh that’s around Pittsburgh right? Did you know Ivy Ferris? I believe she went there. (That’s her last name now… can’t remember her maiden name.) she’s best friends with my best friend :) I went to Wheaton, but I’ve heard they’re pretty similar environments!
Yes! About an hour north of Pittsburgh in a small town. I didn’t know Ivy but of course I know Wheaton! I’ve heard from some others who attended there about the competitive nature that’s present there, too. We used to joke that GCC’s tagline should be: “Grove City College: Where Your Best is Never Good Enough.” 😅
Thank you so much!! This is so entirely relatable and a good reminder; I'm glad you wrote this. I realized my second semester of college just how much I was motivated by the shame of what I don't know... still working through that even now.
You are not alone in working through this stuff, Meredith! Formation and learning are both lifelong processes, and I hope you can find continued grace as you work these things out, too. Cheering you on!
This is so good Grace!! I know we have DM'ed about the classical Christian community LOL so I loved seeing you explore that here. As a girlie who also relies on spellcheck but studied journalism I feel seen here. I am convinced that I am the only one who struggles with this so reading your confessions (not the Augustine kind) was so comforting !!!!!
Jenna! So grateful for those DMs and your encouragement for me to turn some of these ideas into a full piece. I am glad we both can show in this space as the women God made us to be, even as we figure out what that looks like. I appreciate you!!
Thank you for writing this, Grace. I loved every word. I remember getting to college and wondering how in the heck everyone else seemed to know how to pronounce queue and what a phallic image was (which was when I learned to start looking up these sorts of things myself rather than asking publicly). For some reason queues and phallic images had been completely absent from my high school education and I felt like a fraud. The tote made me laugh! I so badly don't want Substack to become posturing intelligence when it has the possibility of reveling in truth, goodness, and beauty. Let's keep spurring each other on. Oh and have you read Gentle and Lowly? It was a balm to my heart.
Thank you for this comment, Abigail! Also LOL at your examples...it makes me think of the time my freshman year when I had to read Lysistrata by Aristophanes for a World Drama class, and it is full of many, well, unsavory images haha.
You're not alone!!!!! I got my own totes, so to speak. Lots of 'em. One for every occasion probably. Absolutely loved this, and I love how you write. My new favourite line is: "I have hope because I have given up!"
The TOTES! We all have 'em. Thank you, Hannah. I really liked your piece about insecurity and appreciated reading it as I was writing my own thoughts for this post. Cheers to giving up!
Oh yeah! Every single word. See me in some specific way but actually please do not perceive me at all. I’d like to crawl into a safe little corner but also I desperately want to be known and loved…but still please do not perceive me. Thanks for finding words for this!
I 100% resonate with this comment, too, Amelia! The balance between wanting to be known and loved while also taking the leap to be vulnerable enough to engage in that process is sooo challenging. Appreciate you reading!
Every time I read something you write, I think "it can't get much better than this." And then you go ahead and decimate that thought. You are so remarkably cogent, articulate, relatable, and wise. I love seeing your substack articles in my inbox.
Emily! What a kind comment. Thank you for always reading and encouraging me in my writing and processing. I appreciate you!
I've got multiple drafts titled something along the lines of "I'm afraid of being perceived." The human condition sure is common to man! Thank you for sharing.
Absolutely! Thank you for reading. I hope you'll finish one of those drafts, as I think there's much more to be explored on the fear of being perceived. I'd love to know what you think!
Yeah, as I open myself to writing publicly here on Substack, my initial thoughts have produced a couple of essays asking the question, why do it? The most recent one arrived at similar conclusions as you do—We were created with divine intent for goodness. We are invited to create and to be that goodness. And while people may recognize us for our works (smart writing, or whatever tote bag), it is humility that saves us from pride/insecurity. The open acknowledgment that whatever good we might create isn’t ours originally. At best we are blessed to channel it from Him. And this is true for anyone we might compare ourselves to.
Believing this though, I still struggle with the fear of being stupid. I suspect as you do, that this is a trial aimed at really knowing this is true by experience—that our aim should be in pleasing God, not anyone on earth. If we do that, respect or acceptance from others should be received as a gift, not as something needed or owed.
Thoughtful comment, Alec! Writing publicly is definitely a risk, and opens up the heart and ego to an onslaught of emotions and experiences. I think it's a challenge to balance our human hopes and our holy ambitions.
“the struggle of constantly feeling like I wasn’t measuring up, or that I could be doing more, or that I needed to squeeze every ounce of my potential out of myself.”
“Wasted potential” is a phrase that I want to just kick to the curb lately. This was well-written, Grace, and encouraging. I’ve been thinking much of the unconditional love of God from a different identity standard (competent or self-sufficient vs dependent). And of course, I am terrified of sounding stupid as I write about it. I think you’re writing about a topic that we all experience in certain ways. Thank you for sharing. (I’d be happy to join you for a Finer Things Club meeting one day.)
Wasted potential..oof! It's such a doozy. I still need to think more thoughtfully about where that impulse comes from. It ruins a lot!
I am glad to know I'm not alone in these thoughts, Leah, so thanks for sharing some encouragement through this comment. And ABSOLUTELY, a Finer Things Club would be thoroughly enjoyed!
Potential is nebulous, never concrete…compared to, say, duty and vocation, which are given, defined, and blessed by God. Finding purpose in the latter is going to lead to a greater sense of satisfaction.
My theories, at least. Would love to hear your thoughts on our potential and its wasting, if you ever put them down!
Oh I love how you put that and are thinking about that in conjunction with calling—I think that's spot on. And I did write something about this about 3 years ago and I still think I agree with much of what I said! https://mbird.com/social-science/business/quiet-quitting-for-jesus/
Thank you so much for sharing that piece. I can relate! And I, too, associate the root of the idea with academics, especially in my transition into college.
“I don’t think God has a cosmic bucket list with my name at the top. I think he really just wants me to experience what it means to be content with Christ. To be attentive to the life I actually am experiencing right now instead of fixating on the ideas of what could’ve been or was or could be.”
Thanks again for this great reflection!
well said! I love your thoughts on God grinning instead of gritting his teeth.
Thank you, Brooke!! I appreciate you reading!
Love the intersectionality you make in this post between Christian theology and 12-step spirituality. As someone who has feet in both camps, I’m inspired by the integration and synthesis that can be found here, provided we are honest, open-minded, and willing to look.
As for the content about “feeling stupid or inadequate…” I know those sentiments all too well. In the rooms I often hear, “we are ego-maniacs with an inferiority complex.” The task of surrender to God’s will is a day at a time, moment by moment adventure!
Thanks, Grace! Keep up the good work.
Thanks for this excellent comment, Anthony! I totally agree with you about the wisdom that can be found in 12-step spirituality. My (Anglican) priest in college often cited it in his sermons, and it's stuck with me ever since. And you're spot on with this sentiment: "The task of surrender to God’s will is a day at a time, moment by moment adventure!"
"In all honesty, my desire for approval and admiration feels like an addiction I’ll never be rid of." Phew. Yeah. This is so real. All I can say is, speaking to you, someone just entering your 30s, as a 39 year old stepping out of them, I found that this decade was the flash point for this particular struggle. I have been where you are and I fall back there often. But my perspective slowly began to change and I feel on the precipice of settling more solidly into myself, lack of impressive accomplishments and public admiration and all. I hope that your journey through your 30s will bring you a similar place.
Caitlin! Thank you for reading and this comment. I’m so grateful for your perspective here as you settled into this decade of life. It’s so good to hear about settling into yourself; I feel that process beginning and I suppose it starts with admitting the struggle and inviting others in to it. We’re always better when we have others alongside us in the journey ♥️
Grace, thanks for your post and your honesty which I really aspire to (however, rightfully, edited for Substack readers). I hope I can be as open as you have been here as I write on my own Substack (I have my own battles).
If I may be so bold as to say, God does love us but He’s no therapist. You are being formed by the Spirit, as am I.
Hi Andy, thanks so much for reading! Spiritual formation is certainly a humbling process, and having a spiritual director has been interesting for me as I've also had experience working with a traditional licensed therapist, too, in the past. Both are helpful tools for working out the kinks and learning more about God's intent to lead us towards lives of flourishing. It's always a work in progress! Thankfully, God is patient with it.
I’ve had counselling (I also considered becoming a counsellor) and I’m receiving spiritual direction (I’m a spiritual director). Could I ask, broadly speaking, what has been interesting about spiritual direction for you? You seem to have overcome or are overcoming some of your own battles and have written this article, which I resonate with.
Good question, Andy! Well to start, spiritual direction has felt different than counseling in terms of the reflection and creativity it engages; it feels like it taps into all the different approaches to connection with God and not just discussion or standard prayer. I’ve known my spiritual director since I was 19, so that makes a huge difference, too, as we’ve been able to revisit different memories or experiences in the past to understand God in the present. I have enjoyed the reflective nature of spiritual direction a lot and enjoy the space it makes to pause and sit with ideas at a slower pace.
Ugh this is soooo good. I feel like it’s about me. Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable! Always glad to know we aren’t alone.
P.s. where did u go to college bc it sounds like my college 🙃😂
So good to know we're not alone in our complicated thoughts and insecurities! It makes them feel a little more manageable when we know others struggle with them, too. And I went to Grove City College—learned so much and made lovely, lifelong friends...but it could be a challenging experience at times, given the highly competitive environment. I appreciate your comment, Alyssa!
Oh that’s around Pittsburgh right? Did you know Ivy Ferris? I believe she went there. (That’s her last name now… can’t remember her maiden name.) she’s best friends with my best friend :) I went to Wheaton, but I’ve heard they’re pretty similar environments!
Yes! About an hour north of Pittsburgh in a small town. I didn’t know Ivy but of course I know Wheaton! I’ve heard from some others who attended there about the competitive nature that’s present there, too. We used to joke that GCC’s tagline should be: “Grove City College: Where Your Best is Never Good Enough.” 😅
Thank you so much!! This is so entirely relatable and a good reminder; I'm glad you wrote this. I realized my second semester of college just how much I was motivated by the shame of what I don't know... still working through that even now.
You are not alone in working through this stuff, Meredith! Formation and learning are both lifelong processes, and I hope you can find continued grace as you work these things out, too. Cheering you on!
Relatable!
Thanks for reading, Ian! I really appreciate it.
Oh this resonated hard.
This is so good Grace!! I know we have DM'ed about the classical Christian community LOL so I loved seeing you explore that here. As a girlie who also relies on spellcheck but studied journalism I feel seen here. I am convinced that I am the only one who struggles with this so reading your confessions (not the Augustine kind) was so comforting !!!!!
Jenna! So grateful for those DMs and your encouragement for me to turn some of these ideas into a full piece. I am glad we both can show in this space as the women God made us to be, even as we figure out what that looks like. I appreciate you!!
Thank you for writing this, Grace. I loved every word. I remember getting to college and wondering how in the heck everyone else seemed to know how to pronounce queue and what a phallic image was (which was when I learned to start looking up these sorts of things myself rather than asking publicly). For some reason queues and phallic images had been completely absent from my high school education and I felt like a fraud. The tote made me laugh! I so badly don't want Substack to become posturing intelligence when it has the possibility of reveling in truth, goodness, and beauty. Let's keep spurring each other on. Oh and have you read Gentle and Lowly? It was a balm to my heart.
Thank you for this comment, Abigail! Also LOL at your examples...it makes me think of the time my freshman year when I had to read Lysistrata by Aristophanes for a World Drama class, and it is full of many, well, unsavory images haha.
🤣
You're not alone!!!!! I got my own totes, so to speak. Lots of 'em. One for every occasion probably. Absolutely loved this, and I love how you write. My new favourite line is: "I have hope because I have given up!"
The TOTES! We all have 'em. Thank you, Hannah. I really liked your piece about insecurity and appreciated reading it as I was writing my own thoughts for this post. Cheers to giving up!
Cheers to giving up!!