I felt like you read my mind when you wrote, "I felt more discouraged about being single not because I am without “my person” to enjoy life with, but because it felt like I had to convince other Christians that I am worthy of their respect." I have never heard anyone else say this, and I resonate COMPLETELY. It's almost hard to share that I'm lonely, because I'm tired of the assumption that I am longing for marriage. That's not a bad longing, but it's not necessarily one I have right now. It's an assumption rather than a question asked in order to get to know me.
I totally hear you. The assumptions people make, even well-meaning ones, can feel very isolating and insufficient to build meaningful conversations from.
Okay, okay, okay, Grace! Loved it. Thank you for taking the time to dig into this topic, as “done with it” as we all feel sometimes. 😅
If I may continue to add to the discussion… I love how you say we are not the ones who can come up with what defines a good life. Only God can do that, and He did. He Himself is not one individual, but three. Communal. And regardless of our marriage status, we need “community.” Is anyone else getting tired of that word for some reason😂 even though there’s nothing wrong with it? Not really sure why that is lol. I digress.
I’ve been thinking lately about how can we know for sure we really ARE living in community? Is it just having friends who know about your issues? Is it attending a lot of church baby showers and potlucks and serving together at the local community center? Those are for sure important things. But, I think I’ve come to realize that the biggest indicator of doing life with people is this: you ask for and give forgiveness - often. When you really do life with people, they don’t just tell you about their sin and struggles. Their sin hurts you and yours hurts them. But the faithful love felt in a relationship like this - glorious. Painful at first, but glorious.
Now, in my own experience, so far I’ve really only found this with my actual family. My husband first and foremost. He knows the depths of my sin and has loved me faithfully, and vice versa. Next, my parents and my sister; who knows you better than the people you spent 18 years in 2500 square feet with? These are my people. For better or for worse. We do church together, have basically all the same friends, and even run a family business all together. Some would maybe call this unhealthy. Some even told us not do to life this closely, because it’s messy. And surely, it is. But when you think about how the early church did life together - it was very close to this. Your family were your people. You were likely running a home or working a family trade with your cousins and grandparents and siblings. Forced to apply the Gospel to the people who best push our buttons (another way for saying then bring out our flesh).
All that to say - at least for me, it’s been VERY hard to find this outside of actual family. And I think it’s the reason also that one of God’s first commands to us was multiply and fill the earth! Have babies! He knew the lifestyle of family is what we need and brings us so much meaning. Now, I’m not saying the ultimate goal of life is marriage. But I do think God designed family as the primary means for doing life. And I believe that most women really do want to be married and should if they can (to the right man). However, I think it’s worth noting that our society is now the result of YEARS of deception in our culture around family and individualism and masculinity especially. There are hardly any real men. It’s heartbreaking. And I don’t blame any of my single friends for not wanting to settle. I don’t think they should. But to them I always say - I think you should pursue marriage - for so many reasons. BUT, if you cannot find a spouse with which to be on mission together, there are still other ways like you’ve said to be in community together. But it’s important that the community is REAL. Most families in our culture are falling apart. Things get messy, and since we’re so individualistic, we leave and can just go pursue our own “dreams.” But the thing is, whatever dreams we may have will never be more fulfilling than relationships where we are giving and receiving forgiveness.
I don’t think the church creates problems for singles. I think the church has forgotten how to do family, and singles are suffering because of it.
Anna, I always appreciate your compelling and thought-provoking comments! The way you think through things and challenge others to consider thoughtful perspectives rooted in theology makes you the kind of reader a writer dreams of having. Thank you for taking the time to share more about your life and your observations. All of your thoughts about individualism have been fascinating and illuminating to me!
Always such an important conversation. Thank you for sharing your heart on it! I was single in the church for 34 years, and while it was very painful and lonely to sit alone many times, I also began to see how it allowed me to be more attuned to others who felt the same and connect with those that young marrieds simply didn’t have time for. Those lingering conversations that led to real friendships and ministry moments because I had the luxury of staying late and not rushing home for lunch or naps. That was the gift of my single life that I greatly miss now (even though we don’t have kids). On this past Mother’s Day, our church hosted a small panel of female voices, and one of them was an older 30-something and new mom who spoke to her experiences as a single woman in the church. She was so kind and so empowering and also made sure singles knew they were seen, loved, and valued. I really appreciated that and haven’t seen many churches embody that belief like that. Anyway, those are just some thoughts on my heart. Thank you for your beautiful writing! 💛
Bailey! How you write about lingering conversations resonates so much with my experiences of how I’ve made meaningful connections with others, too. I really appreciate you providing your perspective of your single years here. Thanks so much for reading and sharing!
Fabulous piece! As a married bloke with two kids, point two is HUGE. It takes a village to raise kids, and I for one are supremely grateful for the singles we've had / have around us. Marriage doesn't solve all our inadequacies, but the body of Christ - kids, teens, singles, marrieds, seniors etc. - can sure help.
I really appreciate that you read this and shared your perspective! I think point two is something I've seen modeled really beautifully by my married brothers, and it's been a game-changer for me, but I know so many people who haven't had the same experience. I think it's a two-way street for singles to be involved, and for married folks to make space and opportunities for them to help with care AND be cared for, too.
It is so interesting to me, because in my circle, there are those who err on the other side of the spectrum. They assume that young people wanting to get married is a sign of discontentment, while remaining single is seen as more spiritual. It’s more nuanced than that, but it goes to show that there are ditches on both sides of the truth! Your conclusion that the solution is to submit to Christ… that nailed it. If we did more of that we would probably end up solving more problems than we realized we had.
Before I was married I lived with a wonderful, Godly couple who always had single people living with them. It was a normal part of their life and I learned so much about hospitality from them. The wife told me that many years ago, she came across Psalm 68:6 “God settles the lonely in families…” and thought that maybe hers was the family He wanted to settle some lonely people into. The blessing they have been to their community is incredible. Living out the Christian life is indeed a group project!
Leah! Finally getting to this comment which I SO appreciated and was interested to read. It’s fascinating to hear about the other side of this spectrum, and makes me wonder even if certain regions or denominations have a variety of ways of viewing singleness vs. others. It sounds like that’s your experience! I love how that couple created a hospitable environment for you during your single years. I aspire to do the same, whether I marry in the future or not! So appreciate you sharing.
Wonderfully clear writing, centred on the good news of Jesus. As someone still processing my recent divorce, God has to constantly remind me where my worth is truly found. Thank you for being that reminder today, and I hope your words will encourage, challenge, and comfort many others. ❤️
Thank you Wein, for sharing about what you're experiencing right now as you process through the challenge of your divorce. That has to be really hard, but I hope you continue to be encouraged and enjoyed by your community for the role you play in it and the value you bring, too.
I felt like you read my mind when you wrote, "I felt more discouraged about being single not because I am without “my person” to enjoy life with, but because it felt like I had to convince other Christians that I am worthy of their respect." I have never heard anyone else say this, and I resonate COMPLETELY. It's almost hard to share that I'm lonely, because I'm tired of the assumption that I am longing for marriage. That's not a bad longing, but it's not necessarily one I have right now. It's an assumption rather than a question asked in order to get to know me.
I totally hear you. The assumptions people make, even well-meaning ones, can feel very isolating and insufficient to build meaningful conversations from.
Okay, okay, okay, Grace! Loved it. Thank you for taking the time to dig into this topic, as “done with it” as we all feel sometimes. 😅
If I may continue to add to the discussion… I love how you say we are not the ones who can come up with what defines a good life. Only God can do that, and He did. He Himself is not one individual, but three. Communal. And regardless of our marriage status, we need “community.” Is anyone else getting tired of that word for some reason😂 even though there’s nothing wrong with it? Not really sure why that is lol. I digress.
I’ve been thinking lately about how can we know for sure we really ARE living in community? Is it just having friends who know about your issues? Is it attending a lot of church baby showers and potlucks and serving together at the local community center? Those are for sure important things. But, I think I’ve come to realize that the biggest indicator of doing life with people is this: you ask for and give forgiveness - often. When you really do life with people, they don’t just tell you about their sin and struggles. Their sin hurts you and yours hurts them. But the faithful love felt in a relationship like this - glorious. Painful at first, but glorious.
Now, in my own experience, so far I’ve really only found this with my actual family. My husband first and foremost. He knows the depths of my sin and has loved me faithfully, and vice versa. Next, my parents and my sister; who knows you better than the people you spent 18 years in 2500 square feet with? These are my people. For better or for worse. We do church together, have basically all the same friends, and even run a family business all together. Some would maybe call this unhealthy. Some even told us not do to life this closely, because it’s messy. And surely, it is. But when you think about how the early church did life together - it was very close to this. Your family were your people. You were likely running a home or working a family trade with your cousins and grandparents and siblings. Forced to apply the Gospel to the people who best push our buttons (another way for saying then bring out our flesh).
All that to say - at least for me, it’s been VERY hard to find this outside of actual family. And I think it’s the reason also that one of God’s first commands to us was multiply and fill the earth! Have babies! He knew the lifestyle of family is what we need and brings us so much meaning. Now, I’m not saying the ultimate goal of life is marriage. But I do think God designed family as the primary means for doing life. And I believe that most women really do want to be married and should if they can (to the right man). However, I think it’s worth noting that our society is now the result of YEARS of deception in our culture around family and individualism and masculinity especially. There are hardly any real men. It’s heartbreaking. And I don’t blame any of my single friends for not wanting to settle. I don’t think they should. But to them I always say - I think you should pursue marriage - for so many reasons. BUT, if you cannot find a spouse with which to be on mission together, there are still other ways like you’ve said to be in community together. But it’s important that the community is REAL. Most families in our culture are falling apart. Things get messy, and since we’re so individualistic, we leave and can just go pursue our own “dreams.” But the thing is, whatever dreams we may have will never be more fulfilling than relationships where we are giving and receiving forgiveness.
I don’t think the church creates problems for singles. I think the church has forgotten how to do family, and singles are suffering because of it.
Anna, I always appreciate your compelling and thought-provoking comments! The way you think through things and challenge others to consider thoughtful perspectives rooted in theology makes you the kind of reader a writer dreams of having. Thank you for taking the time to share more about your life and your observations. All of your thoughts about individualism have been fascinating and illuminating to me!
Ps. I have a post in the works called “Holy Work and Broken Homes. What Evangelicalism got wrong about ministry, family, and calling.”
I will let you know when it’s up! I think it will add a new layer to the subject!!
This sounds so good! Cant wait to read :)
Here she is! 😌
https://open.substack.com/pub/annaquinn12/p/holy-work-and-broken-homes-what-the?r=45rg3t&utm_medium=ios
Thank you, Grace!! I’ve so enjoyed your writing on all of it and our ongoing conversation! It’s so needed.
Always such an important conversation. Thank you for sharing your heart on it! I was single in the church for 34 years, and while it was very painful and lonely to sit alone many times, I also began to see how it allowed me to be more attuned to others who felt the same and connect with those that young marrieds simply didn’t have time for. Those lingering conversations that led to real friendships and ministry moments because I had the luxury of staying late and not rushing home for lunch or naps. That was the gift of my single life that I greatly miss now (even though we don’t have kids). On this past Mother’s Day, our church hosted a small panel of female voices, and one of them was an older 30-something and new mom who spoke to her experiences as a single woman in the church. She was so kind and so empowering and also made sure singles knew they were seen, loved, and valued. I really appreciated that and haven’t seen many churches embody that belief like that. Anyway, those are just some thoughts on my heart. Thank you for your beautiful writing! 💛
Bailey! How you write about lingering conversations resonates so much with my experiences of how I’ve made meaningful connections with others, too. I really appreciate you providing your perspective of your single years here. Thanks so much for reading and sharing!
Fabulous piece! As a married bloke with two kids, point two is HUGE. It takes a village to raise kids, and I for one are supremely grateful for the singles we've had / have around us. Marriage doesn't solve all our inadequacies, but the body of Christ - kids, teens, singles, marrieds, seniors etc. - can sure help.
I really appreciate that you read this and shared your perspective! I think point two is something I've seen modeled really beautifully by my married brothers, and it's been a game-changer for me, but I know so many people who haven't had the same experience. I think it's a two-way street for singles to be involved, and for married folks to make space and opportunities for them to help with care AND be cared for, too.
Hi Grace! This was all really well said.
It is so interesting to me, because in my circle, there are those who err on the other side of the spectrum. They assume that young people wanting to get married is a sign of discontentment, while remaining single is seen as more spiritual. It’s more nuanced than that, but it goes to show that there are ditches on both sides of the truth! Your conclusion that the solution is to submit to Christ… that nailed it. If we did more of that we would probably end up solving more problems than we realized we had.
Before I was married I lived with a wonderful, Godly couple who always had single people living with them. It was a normal part of their life and I learned so much about hospitality from them. The wife told me that many years ago, she came across Psalm 68:6 “God settles the lonely in families…” and thought that maybe hers was the family He wanted to settle some lonely people into. The blessing they have been to their community is incredible. Living out the Christian life is indeed a group project!
Leah! Finally getting to this comment which I SO appreciated and was interested to read. It’s fascinating to hear about the other side of this spectrum, and makes me wonder even if certain regions or denominations have a variety of ways of viewing singleness vs. others. It sounds like that’s your experience! I love how that couple created a hospitable environment for you during your single years. I aspire to do the same, whether I marry in the future or not! So appreciate you sharing.
Wow! Thanks!
Wonderfully clear writing, centred on the good news of Jesus. As someone still processing my recent divorce, God has to constantly remind me where my worth is truly found. Thank you for being that reminder today, and I hope your words will encourage, challenge, and comfort many others. ❤️
Thank you Wein, for sharing about what you're experiencing right now as you process through the challenge of your divorce. That has to be really hard, but I hope you continue to be encouraged and enjoyed by your community for the role you play in it and the value you bring, too.