10 Movies to Watch This Summer and 3 You Should Never Watch Anytime, Ever
Lowbrow cinema for highbrow people.
If you’re a long-time subscriber or a new one, chances are that you did not subscribe to this Substack to receive a list of 10 Movies to Watch This Summer and 3 You Should Never Watch Anytime, Ever, but here we are! Transparently, I felt like I needed a break from writing posts that involve critical thinking and editing skills; it was time to write something born from the bowels of my lizard brain. Did that sentence make you uncomfortable? Sorry, I went to public school! Anyways, Substack can be for think-pieces about philosophical concepts I did not know existed, or theological arguments between men who sit at desks, or open letters about open letters, but it can also be for posts that are so inane you have to get on your knees and ask Mary Oliver to forgive you for wasting your one wild and precious life. This post is the latter.
Here you are! 10 Movies to Watch This Summer and 3 You Should Never Watch Anytime, Ever:
Category 1: Wholesome Movies of My Childhood
These movies are ones I thoroughly enjoyed in my childhood, and are wholesome, family-friendly films that I think still hold up to this day.
1. Angels in the Outfield
Released in the year of my birth, Angels in the Outfield is a perfect summer movie featuring an inspirational sports storyline, Adrien Brody, young Joseph Gordon Levitt, a wholesome reflection about what family really is, MATTHEW MCCONAUGEY, Danny Glover, a funny bit with nachos being stuck to someone’s butt…this movie has it all.
2. The Parent Trap
I rewatched this one in April and was slightly shocked to realize that I am now closer in age to the character Chessy than Meredith Blake, but this feels good and right. Chessy is a woman of humor, hospitality, and panache who understands the importance of a good oversized denim shirt in one’s outfit rotation! This movie is a great summertime flick with its summer camp plot point, as well as the late stunning Natasha Richardson and a young Dennis Quaid, who always reminds me of one of my favorite internet bits.
3. Jurassic Park
I know it’s probably obvious, but summer is for dinosaur movies and no one can convince me otherwise. All of the other Jurassic Park movies that followed the original are not very good, but the OG is truly what summer movie magic is made of. You should show this movie to an impressionable 8-year-old and cause them intense, unfounded anxiety that the plot point of dinosaurs being resurrected is highly probable, causing her to nervously peek over her shoulder while on summer bike rides around the local school parking lots, as well as in any and all industrial kitchens and port-a-potties.
4. Richie Rich
Picture this: you watch this movie and then plan your summer vacation to its primary filming location: the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina. After that, you read this book about Frederick Law Olmsted, the landscape architect of the grounds. You impress you friends with your fine taste in cinema, architecture, and niche knowledge of topiary trends of the 19th century. You are asked to start a podcast, relatives name their babies after you, people on Substack call you a Thought Leader™️. This is what will happen if you screen Richie Rich starring a teen Maccaulay Culkin who we can now watch without as much trepidation and sadness because he seems to have turned out okay and is happy and in a stable relationship with London Tipton from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.
5. The Emperor’s New Groove
Listen, this movie is hilarious and features two of my favorite movie tropes: 1) an improbable quest and 2) enemies-to-lovers, though in this case, the lovers are friends—Kuzco and Pacha. Kronk unquestionably steals the show in this movie, so much so that they made a sequel of just Kronk bits (which I have seen but won’t recommend because I have a reputation to uphold here as a cultural critic).
Category 2: Movies that Might Get Me Canceled
These movies are ones that would never be made today due to their lack of political correctness, and so by sharing them, I implore you to watch at your own risk and withhold scathing judgment from me. Thank you.
6. Heavyweights
One of Ben Stiller’s finest films, in my opinion. This is a movie about boys who are sent to a weight loss summer camp, Camp Hope, and hijinks ensue when Ben Stiller purchases the camp and changes the whole vibe. My family regularly quotes this movie, and we are all between the ages of 31 and 69, so needless to say, it is beloved by all ages who were born after 1994. Featuring a young Keenan Thompson, Heavyweights is a summer movie classic whose last act (the “Apache Relay”) should’ve been cut but nevertheless, it is still a pretty incredible movie as long as you are not offended by the concept of sending overweight children to a summer camp where they are lowkey bullied but emerge triumphant in the end.
7. Three Amigos
Before Martin Short and Steve Martin acted alongside Selena Gomez, and Chevy Chase was canceled for being himself, there was Three Amigos, a movie that should probably also be canceled. The line, “A new sweater!” is a versatile piece of writing that will stick in your mind every time you, too, are given a new sweater. Listen, it is a highly entertaining movie, and it makes me glad that Martin Short and Steve Martin are still acting together—they are magic. Also magic? Steve Martin’s banjo playing!
8. Swiss Family Robinson
This movie has some problematic treatment of various people groups (not cool), but it also has a boy riding an ostrich and a woman riding a zebra (pretty stinkin’ cool). I always thought that the house they built upon being shipwrecked looked like the best place to live ever. I am probably biased about this movie because my family has strong Swiss heritage, making me susceptible to Swiss propaganda such as this film made in 1960 about people that are probably not Swiss but are pretending to be, so it counts. I also definitely had a crush on both Fritz and Ernst as a child, despite that their names were Fritz and Ernst.
Category 3: Uplifting Modern Movies that Your Mom Will Also Like
These movies are ones I have watched with my actual mom, and she liked them. There’s a good chance your mom, or someone who has a mom, would probably like them, too.
9. The Peanut Butter Falcon
This movie really is Shia LaBeouf at his best, and that’s saying something because I was the biggest Even Stevens fan! This one made me cry because it is so wholesome and genuinely moving. I think Dakota Johnson shot this movie after she did Fifty Shades of Grey, probably as a palate cleanser (yikes!), and even she does a really nice job, too. As an aunt of a nephew with Down Syndrome, it was fun to watch this movie that portrays an unlikely and life-giving friendship between two people from very different life contexts. The beach setting of the movie is also really pretty to watch.
10. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
I’ve seen a few notes on Substack praising this movie in the last couple of months, and I can genuinely say that it’s one of my favorites since I saw it in theaters at 10:30 AM on college break one year, which is a strange time to see a movie, admittedly. This movie is BEAUTIFULLY shot, really funny, incredibly imaginative, and again features our good friend Ben Stiller. If you have some wanderlust this summer, this is a great movie to watch. The soundtrack is also incredible.
Category 4: 3 Movies You Should Never Watch Anytime, EVER!!
These are movies that you never, under any circumstances, should watch. Do! Not!
March of the Penguins
On Christmas Day 2005, I received this movie on DVD, and we decided to watch it as a family that evening. HUGE MISTAKE!!! Spoiler alert: like, A LOT of penguins die in this movie. It is a documentary, so of course they do. However, I was a child who did not like thinking about the death of people or penguins, therefore, I SOBBED through this movie, which caused my grandpa, may he rest in peace, to say an iconic line that has never left our family’s lexicon, “Meanwhile in Iraq!” Oh, Grandpa. Nothing like shaming your 11-year-old granddaughter for being upset about dead animals on Christmas Day by reminding her of the ongoing conflict in the Middle East.
Listen Up Philip
Continuing with the theme of terrible movies I watched on Christmas, my brother got me this movie starring Jason Schwartzman and Elizabeth Moss, never having watched it himself. I think he was in his very Indie movie stage of college when he got me this, and to be honest, it was a MISERABLE movie. It was trying to be a Woody Allen movie but lacked charm and any likable characters. It should only be allowed to be played within the confines of Brooklyn or East Nashville. Nowhere else! And to think we watched this on Christmas, the day marking our Savior’s birth…I repent.
Aloha
This movie is so, so bad, it might actually be worth watching. My brother and I saw this in theaters because the cast list is incredible: Bradley Cooper, Emma Stone, Rachel McAdams, Bill Murray, John Krasinski, Danny McBride, and Alec Baldwin! Let me tell you: this movie is 100% one of the worst scripts ever written. It is magnificently awful! Between bizarre plots twists, bad CGI ghosts, and a weird sort-of sex scene involving amputated toes (????), this movie is a true abomination. At one point, my brother was laughing so hard at how bad this movie was, he fell out of his chair and onto the movie theater floor. I was doubled over, scared that I might pee my pants. It is sooooo bad! I honestly think I might watch it again. These people only did this movie so they could get a free trip to Hawaii!!!
Well, there you have it, folks! I hope you enjoyed this post and can add some of these to your summer movie watching list. I’d love to hear what movies you’d recommend to me, so feel free to chime in below in the comments. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next time for a post about something that is probably much less silly, but no less important than an explanation of the cultural masterpiece that is Heavyweights.
Until then,
-Grace
Loved peanut butter falcon.
Completely correct about Jurassic Park – even got my youngest to go ahead and read the original novel itself, which is pretty good for upper elementary, imho.